*SWAT MAGAZINE ISSUE TEN: OCTOBER 1998*
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|		       .Dozy Woman On A Train.			     |
|                          By 3viL ()n!oN	     		     |
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True Story: I was heading towards Glasgow Uni on the Underground, with 
some mates of mine, a few weeks ago. We had taken over one side of the 
carriage on the Tube Train, and had claimed it for our own. Dozy Woman 
was sitting directly opposite me. A tenner fell from her pocket and 
drifted gently towards the floor. She couldn't see it from where she 
was sitting, but it was in full view of me and my friends. I 
nonchalantly stretched out, pretending to yawn, and my left foot crept 
towards the tenner. I stamped down on it, swept it back towards myself,
reached down, picked it up and quickly crumpled it like a bit of scrap 
paper and stuffed it into my pocket. This, of course, was not the most 
subtle of operations, and everyone one the train knew exactly what I 
had done....EXCEPT THE DOZY TART SITING OPPOSITE ME!!!! Everyone was, 
of course, far too polite to point this out to Dozy Woman, and I just 
sat there with a smug grin on my face.
  This woman, I soon noticed, had a huge wad of notes hanging halfway 
out of her pocket. no wonder she hadn't noticed the lost tenner! She 
probably had a halfbrick in her other pocket just to stop herself from 
leaning to one side with the weight! This was far too good an 
opportunity for a thieving bastard like myself to ignore. This woman 
just so happened to get off at our stop-if she hadn't, I had planned to
follow her anyway. We all got off the train and I forced my way 
through the crowds to stay close to this woman. just as we got off the 
esculator, a reached out and deftly lifted the entire wad in one fluid 
movement. And this woman had no clue! Of course, i'm not stupid, there 
were cameras all over the station. And along all of Glasgow's main 
streets, come to think of it. So what did I do? I handed this wad of 
cash (and there must have been £400-£500 there) right back to Dozy 
Woman, with the classic "excuse me, you must have dropped this" line 
of bullshit. And what did Dozy Woman do? She gave me £20 as a reward 
for my "honesty"!!!! I had just scored thirty quid off this woman and 
she was thanking me!!!

So always remember, peeps, your conscience is your third worst enemy. 
Ignore the whiney little bitch and eventually it will go away. As far 
as I'm concerned Ethics is a country in the Balkans somewhere. Your 
second worst enemy is greed. If I had waltzed off with all the cash the
pigs would have picked me up within 10 minutes. And your worst enemy? 
The pigs! Duh!

If you think you might be this Dozy Woman, or you know her, or you are
bored out of your skull, then e-mail me at this address: 
Onion_666@yahoo.com 
3viL ()n!oN 98