________ SWAT MAGAZINE ISSUE TWENTY ONE: SEPTEMBER 1999_________ / \___________________________________________/ \ / Boardom at work... In a government office \ / By Silver \ ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Working in a government office isn't exactly my cup of tea, I mean there are cooler places where one can find summer employment... places which do not involve helping the enemy, (well ok that's how I look at it when I'm in the worst of my bad moods), and offer more than minimum wage!! But an idiot who spends half their holiday time in school re-taking a couple of courses should be glad that someone offered to hire her in the middle of the summer at all! I had a government job last year too, (excuse: I was out West for the first half of the summer), and I had a lot of fun with it. I mean once I overcame that whole "office work is shit, this is the world's most boring and pointless job, I can't believe I'm working for Mike "The Knife" Harris" thing, I realized that I could anonymously do a whole load of cool things (some bad and some not quite so bad) which probably wouldn't even be noticed until long after I'd gone. Yeah access to government computers and databases (I mean legal access, not, like, hacking one's way in or anything) is always cool, having the authority to change most of the information there is even cooler! It took me a week on that particular job to realize that I didn't necessarily have to input the correct details when I went to make changes. It was ideal - I was logged in under my own MF and MRK numbers, of course, but they couldn't tell who had done which changes. Like if I went and changed the profile for, let's say, the Second Cup (one of the only company names I remember recognizing), it wouldn't register that MF8405, MRK279 (no those weren't my real numbers, the wrong person could end up seeing this...) had made such-and-such changes. Plus I was sitting in a secluded area, and to top it off the documents with which I was working were shredded after I was done with them! Woo-hoo, no evidence! So as the days progressed I got bolder and decided to target the address changes. Not only did I change a lot of names (who knew that Daniel Johns operated a chain of pizza places?), but I invented loads of towns as well. I mean I've never heard of Silver Valley, Ontario, have you? The funniest was putting names and phone numbers of my old teachers and a few of my sworn enemies (who, ironically enough, used to be my best friends, but I won't get into THAT story). Actually just randomly selecting a number from the phone book was cool as well. Whatever. As this was my first real form of employment and I was still a bit timid, I limited the havoc I was wreaking (they just didn't know it yet!), to the EFF database on ITAS. Well that and occasionally just tossing any old piece of paper into the shredding cabinet (hehehe). Okay so I could've done worse, yeah someone who's been called "Pure Evil" and "Satan"on more than one occasion could do a lot worse, but I didn't want to get caught. So anyway the second half of this summer found me employed by the Ministry of Finance once again, yeah a government office...and in the file room, no less! While working with a woman who's twice my age, half deaf , about half as intelligent as me (that's stretching it), and getting paid twice my salary for doing half as much work as I do is more than a little infuriating, at least she doesn't get in my way much. And I am a lot bolder this time around so, as they say...let the good times roll! (Wow that came out sounding incredibly gay). Yep, I've extended my mischievous ways to all areas of my job, and I haven't been caught yet! So what exactly is it that I do? Well it goes something like... File request? Sending off a semi-thick file? Good. No, don't withhold any of the information - what the heck, be really nice and give 'em some more while you're at it! Rummage around in the other files and find some piece (or pieces, if you like), of documentation without the permit number on it (there are also plenty of these, sitting in the "cannot be filed" pile). If you like, use white out or a black marker and discreetly mark out the name of the company wherever it appears on the document (well then nobody will realize that it doesn't pertain to that particular company...umm, white out is a bit less conspicuous here). Discreetly place the altered documents in with the original file you are sending. Print in block letters on the envelope so they can't trace your writing (well my writing is inconsistent enough that I can get away without that), or better still get someone else to address the envelope. Even better still, send the wrong file altogether. When they write back with "second request", send them a different file - no, not the correct file - just a different file. Keep it up until they get sick and tired of it. Finally, e-mail them back and say that you checked the computer database, blah, blah, blah, and that the file is apparently missing. Subtly suggest that one of your co-workers possibly did something with it - burned it, accidentally sent it to another office in another country, ate it for lunch...be creative. Then, if you want, send them something that does not even remotely resemble a file...tear something out of a magazine, I dunno, whatever. I sent them three pieces of pink paper and three old file requests (we print the requests and keep them (in a binder). If you're really lazy, just ignore the requests. (Which I didn't do because I had too much fun sending people the wrong stuff). Just delete the e-mails, or print the documents and then shred them. If it comes down to a manager coming and asking where the file requests are, shrug and point to the shredder bag. (That is, if it's your last day on the job or you're prepared to be fired). E-mail is always fun to play with. First find the ID numbers and passwords of some of your co-workers. Devise your own method...it really depends on the circumstances. If your people skills are good and you're not working with the brightest people on the planet, you can get them to tell you their passwords (the ID numbers are easier to find and they're not really confidential). It sucks when they leave, though, because their names re taken off the proxy list. There are other methods that involve being a bit more sneaky...but I wont get into those mainly because I couldn't possibly explain them... I can't get passwords any other way (it's all got to do with luck and good timing), I mean I know people who could just break into the system ...unfortunately I'm not quite as knowledgeable. Okay so anyway, you've got the info, you're into the system as someone else. Good for you. Give yourself a pat on the back. Now go and cause some mischief!!! Head over to GroupWise and send out an e-mail telling someone else in the office about how "you" (the person whose name you're under), ummm.... well again be creative, I dunno....screwed over some company, have a plan to assassinate the Director and overthrow the entire Ministry, are planning to set off a bomb in the building... whatever nasty little thing you can think of, just make it sound sort of believable. Send the e-mail and send CC's to everyone in the office, especially the Managers and the Director. (Although the one I sent didn't target anyone in particular). Then again this is all funny on a smaller scale as well, I mean a certain co-worker of mine will never look at another co-worker of mine the same way after that note "she" sent him revealing her true feelings toward him, I won't get into the details of that because it was kinda graphic (what can I say, I was just back from lunch and I was feeling bold). The guy wears tight pants, even tighter shirts tucked right into his pants, and pointy shoes - that's all I'm saying!! (okay so I haven't tried too much of the e-mail stuff yet, problem being that at the moment all the numbers I have are now invalid, I used to be able to get in as two of my co-workers but now they're gone, as are their proxy rites). Paper shredder, aaaahhhh...okay this one's a no-brainer. Grab something off the shelf (make sure no one's looking - duh!). Shred it. Re-shred (take the stuff that's been shredded and put it back through the shredder -this is a two person job and actually a lot of fun, it makes a terrific mess!), just to make sure. Leave the scene of the crime. Nobody will know what's happened until someone needs the file you shredded, and even then they won't know what happened. Another fun one is jamming the shredder. Say a Manager comes in with a pile of papers and asks for you to shred them because Managers are just too busy surfing the net and talking on the phone to bother with shredding (hahaha, their loss). Start off real nice, then throw about 30 pages in at once. Turn off the shredder once it starts smoking. Leave. If anyone asks, tell them whose shredding it is. Then again there's always fun stuff to be done with the paper once it's been shredded. Shove some of it into folders at random (just a few strips). Better still, stuff it into an empty file folder and send it to someone when a file request comes in (someone annoying like Tammy What's-Her-Name who's always giving us grief over everything...). If they write back to question it, write "we sent you the file, don't understand what the problem is?", if they mention the shredding say "it's a jig saw puzzle I made just for you....Happy Birthday!". Again, um, only if you're prepared to be fired.... Then again you can always sneak around the office with the shredder bag (well not a full one) while everyone is out at lunch, just randomly dumping shredded bits of paper all over the place. If you find an unlocked drawer, throw some in there, nobody will know it was you unless, of course, you're seen (but only idiots would get themselves caught). What else...oh yeah, don't you just hate it when you're using a cheap pen and you "accidentally" snap it in half and ink starts leaking out all over the place? Hmmm, what to mop it up with....Vendor Permit applications are always good to use, they're very absorbent (even if they're not, who cares!). Actually who needs paper towels in the file room when you're surrounded by paper?!? Also, shoving lunch leftovers (meat especially) into the middle of a shelf is always good....choose one of the really jammed up ones so it's not easy to remove things to find the source of the smell (which will emerge shortly thereafter). This one's good for your last day on the job, as you don't want to be stuck in that room later! Getting revenge on stupid co-workers who make your day a living hell is another no-brainer, well okay so I'm not the world's most creative person but some of the people there are so dumb, it doesn't take much (and you wonder why the government is screwed...). Glue is a lot of fun. I couldn't get my hands on any epoxy (my dad hid it from me for a reason but I'm not going into that), but I suppose super glue is acceptable. This is all best done either at lunch or right before everyone leaves (well stay 5 min later and do it all then), well yeah glue takes its time to dry. Then again in certain situations wet glue can be just as funny...whatever. Okay, well the most basic of easy things to do is to go into the top desk drawer where all the pens are kept and glue them all down. Actually glue anything you see... some people bring coffee cups to the office and leave them on their desks. Bad idea. After they're gone for the evening, pick up the cup and take a nice little trip down memory lane, back to when you were five years old and working on an art project....in other words pour down glue like there's no tomorrow (well it takes a lot to hold down a mug...aaahhh, if only I'd have had epoxy...). They'll have a nice surprise when they come in the next morning. A new employee had a sort of "handbook" that another employee had made for them to guide them around the computer system and some of the tasks they would have to perform. A couple dabs of glue later and the pages were al stuck together. A week later I noticed that the handbook had been replaced, so after another glance through it I thought of something even funnier. I carefully removed the staple, took out the page dealing with write off requests and inserted my own instructions for dealing with write offs. That is, this person who had no idea how to use a computer thought they were instructions for write offs. I mean I wrote them up as "in order to process a write off request, you must do the following...First find the disk labeled Write Offs...", and then outlined, in a very detailed manner, instructions on how to format the disk containing the write off list. Too bad I won't be at the office the first time she needs to do a write off on her own! Messing with the photocopier is fun, good timing makes it even more enjoyable. Inconspicuously steal the paper from all the paper trays and hide it under another employee's desk. Hmmm, suppose you could also pour glue into the empty trays, damn it I never thought of that before. I took all the 8 1/2 x 11" paper out of the trays (well that's what's used most frequently) and put it down beside Tony's desk (he was away for the week), but I didn't put anything into the empty trays! Oh well, some sucker still had to go and get more paper. Unplugging it can be fun, would you believe there are people there who would call maintenance because they couldn't figure out that the copier wasn't plugged in? Switching it off isn't quite as effective...somehow people will flip the switch up and down if it's not working, but they won't check the plug. Go figure. The other option would be to play around with the settings, something people won't notice. Again, somehow the number of copies it's set for gets noticed, but the fact that it's set to copy at 50% the original size goes unnoticed. And these people are running the province?!? Another one is to stick a blank sheet into the copier and set it to make 100 copies. Leave. The stupid machine goes on making copies of nothing while wasting paper and making other people wait (yep, upon seeing that it's been set to make 100 copies, some people simply leave because the copier is "occupied", not even bothering to notice that the copies are of nothing, besides which there's nobody in the copy room - it's true, I witnessed it happen and then I had to run out into the hall because I was about to burst out laughing and totally give myself away). Unfortunately I couldn't do much from the computer end this time around. Try as I might, access to ITAS was denied with all the logins and passwords I had. And I couldn't do all that much in BASYS, look up interesting info like how much a company owes the government and how much they pay in taxes (Bell Canada pays about $3 million). Since I'm far from brilliant when it comes to computer stuff, I was pretty much stuck. Then again vendor permits are always fun to play with...well a bottle of white-out can do wonders. In other words, addresses and phone numbers were still changed. Hell, VP numbers were changed! (Hehehe vp numbers are the most important). Oh, in case you're wondering I actually did do real work, otherwise I'd have been let go at the end of my first week - I just mixed work and play very well. So I guess that's basically it....yep, once again I had myself a little fun (and got paid for it) at the government's expense. And that's all I have to say about that. p.s. I almost forgot...sneaking them out of the office and finding a secluded place outside isn't easy, but I managed to pull it off once... yep, I grabbed three files and burned (well half burned) some of the contents, I managed to put a hole through one of them (file folder and all), hehehe can't wait until someone requests those!