________ SWAT MAGAZINE ISSUE TWENTY-THREE NOVEMBER 1999 ________
  /        \______________________________________________/        \
 /  The Anarchist's guide to shopping for automobile Accesories     \
/                             By Brakis                              \
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(and a nice little follow up to operation dedned of issue 10)


Well last month I got my hands on a clapped out old Renault 5, being a 
bit of a gear head I thought I might try to restore the E reg 
monstrosity to it's former glory. Fine ! I gave it a new starter motor 
tightened the accelarator and sharpened the breaks on the thing but 
something was missing Hmm ? Hmmmmmm? I pondered what could be wrong and
then it occured to me that the car still looked like crap. So I drew up
a shopping list of accessories that I was going to need. 


LIST.

Second Lights (you know the circular kind)
Hub Caps (13") 
one of those fancy gear heads
some paint 
some turtle wax 
and last but not least an exhaust filter  Hehehehehehe...



Well first of all I thought the hub caps were pretty important so one 
night Myself and Zumbi (of operation dedned fame) decided to visit our 
old Pal Phillip Kirkwood (again this boy is the star of operation 
dedned otherwise known as FB). Well FB's family have a new car and
guess what ? Yes it uses 13" hub caps as well, what a coincidence. 
Zumbi tried to yank the caps off I tried to yank the caps off but it
was no good. Another question we considered was how do hub caps come 
off normally ? Ah ha by driving very fast up motor ways. Another 
question how do we get in the car? Legally the car did not belong to us
so we obviously did not own the keys which were required to open the 
car, Zumbi the legal eagle that he is subtly replaced the keys in this
equation with the next door neighbour's plant pot and instead of using 
it conjunction with the key hole he used it in conjunction with the 
back seat window. After a little bit of squeezing and a lot of 
hotwiring Mr kirkwood's Rover 200 was happily reving away in the
driveway of 38 Marchbank Gdns. Well after a couple of minutes FB's 
front door openend so we decided to reverse the car politely waving at 
FB's dad. Now you would have thought he would have left it at that but 
he tried to run after the car in a heroic fashion. It was a this point
Zumbi noted how when a man's car does a full 360 and starts to chase 
him, his heroism quickly turns into  Y-front skid marks.Well eventually
we were on the M8 going reaonably fast but the caps were not coming 
off so I stated scraping along crash barriers until YES they came off. 
We then smashed all the other windows and removed the gear head (a 
kind of trophy). Yeah two birds with one stone.

The TA base was kind enough to donate the lights from one of their 
range rovers. I thankd them for their kind donation by leaving them a 
brown fiery present in the back seat of the range rover. The paint and 
turtle wax were also donated by the TA base (contrary to popular belief
TA boys are not macho heroes who protect Britain's shores they are in 
fact weedy poofters who do ballet, eat crumpets and read A-s. I mean 
come on if your going to put on a stupid looking green uniform at 
least join the real army). After having a polite but firm word with one
of the TA receptionists they were most accomadating in giving me the 
paint and wax. 

Now comes the best part................ the exhaust filter.

NB: Ned is a word I am bout to frequently use, a ned is a tosser who 
wears brightly coloured sports clothing eg Kappa, they talk through 
their noses and smoke like chimneys and are generally dickheads to 
everyone around them. Ned however is a very Scotiish expression and so 
for further definitions please feel free to Email me with them.


Neds are also people who drive in B reg ford escorts with with their 
caps turned back to front to make the car go faster there cars are 
ussually yellow just the average ned hair style.

The only redeemable feature these pricks have is that there cars carry
the exhaust filters in question. so I drove around looking for a such 
a car I eventually found one, I stole it, I burnt it out and then took 
the exhaust filter.

My Car was complete and it looks pretty cool.


Now all I need is the ferrit shaped bull bars so that I can run down 
Gaydon He HE