_________SWAT MAGAZINE ISSUE TWENTY FOUR: DECEMBER 1999_________ / \___________________________________________/ \ / Why i personally hate chrismas! \ / by -=The Firestarter=- \ ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok so some of you out there might wonder why i hate christmas, and also i wanted to add a slight "anti-christmas" feel to this issue, so here is my manifesto as to why i really hate christmas. Ok first off, it's supposed to be "religious" bollocks to that. I mean i can't be doing with all these pictures of angels and shit like that stuck up all over the place, you get all of these total fuckheads all over the place trying to bring out the "festive spirit" in people in the ways of religion and stuff like that, i mean i have nothing against religion (before anyone says ANYTHING about the recent spate of religious web site hacks **cough** www.bibleworshipping.com **cough** www.christianbeliever.com **cough** amoung 7 others) i don't have anything against any of it, ok i don't believe in god or any shit like that, but if ANY fucker trys to force there religion onto me in anyway, i hope they get offended when i call them a cunt and tell them to fuck off. Next up, your expected to "give". Ok being the poor student that i am, i can't really aford all that much in the way of "gifts", i mean even scamming presents get's a little tedious after a while (if your going to scam a minidisk player, atleast have the desencey to keep it!). Why should i fork out my "hard earned" cash for stuff to give to people, when i'm likely to get back stuff that i don't want nor need. ok it's different if they ASK me what i want, or if i want something in particular, then i will have the manners to fork out for something in return, but when i get something that i don't want or need then it'll either end up in the bin, smashed to oblivion for some reason or i'll just give it away. I mean if everyone sent me cash, i'd be much happier than i would than if i got an "expensive" gift that serves no purpose in my life, said expensive gift will later be burned on New years eve for a laugh. Third, nobodies around. Most people who show even the slighest interest in christmas will stay home, eat stuff, watch TV and get drunk. Sounds good to me, but just remember who else is home, if it's not your family whom you will end up arguing with, it'll be some other family that usually has little kids about 6 or 7 years who'll be so hyperactive on E numbers running around your house being total arse holes (before anybody out there asks, i really hate little kids too). So you can't expect any peace and quiet. Ok sitting around munching on turkey sandwhiches might sound like fun, but i'm vegetarian (and have been for 7 years now) so that cuts that part out, so after eating all of the other junk that's supplied for christmas dinner i'll eventually get full and feel ill. So for most people it'll be a case of crashing out on the sofa and watching TV, this is where two factors come into play, first off it'll ALL be about christmas, adverts on with some fat basdard in a red suit (aka Santa Claus) trying to entice children into his "grotto" for god knows what reason, give them presents? that's only half the story!, then the "Snowman" will be on, yes it's on every year, up until i was about 10 or 11 i used to watch it, can't stand it now. Films will all have a christmas theme, no violence or killing on it, not a chance in hell of Texas chainsaw massacre on or any other film with a cool theme to it. But of course i don't watch much TV as it is, ok i'll watch stuff on occation but i'll watch maybe half an hour of TV at most a day, sometimes only an hour a week, basically because it's full of shite, but that's another story. Ok you get really drunk, that is a good thing, i mean you can consume a crate of beer, then colapse on the floor and forget all about it being christmas, something that you'll have to do as nobodies going to come out side and aid you in setting fire to one of the many christmas tree's that spring up all over the place. Forth on the list is that you get all these "joyous" people about the place, now i've not got anything about people being joyous and shit like that, but it really does my head in, why the fuck are people all nice and happy, and trying to make other people be all nice and happy at christmas? at any other time of the year i'd probably be able to contain myself and not shout a load of verbal abuse at them, but at christmas time it's just too much! Another thing about christmas that pisses me off is the decorations, i mean town counsels and other local government scum decide to put the decorations up about the beginning to middle of November, i mean why? christmas isn't for over a month yet they try to make the place all nice and christmasy, kinda pointless and depressing if you ask me. Mind you, all those strong gale force winds got rid of a lot of them! teehee, i hope it cost them a lot. You get all of these people in hard hats sticking up christmas trees in the middle of town, but to do this they have to secion off past of the town while they drive in a huge lorry loaded with a christmas tree, then they'll insist on putting a barrier around it that will either (a) Restrict the flow of people moving down a street, thus making it difficult to actually go anywhere or (b) take up about 5 or 6 parking spaces in a car park, but of course the tree will most likely to be blown down, so watching 10 or 15 people getting crushed by a christmas tree, might be highly amusing and entertaining, or even watching a tree total a few cars, but the tree will be erected again and this time take up 5 times as much space due to a number of "supports" that will be set up for it. Also christas lights are a waste of time, they look stupid and provide nothing more than targets for those of you who own (air?)guns. Shopping centers will be full of people, now you'd expect shopping centers to be full of people since that's there main purpose in this life, but you get about 7 or 8 hundred people in a shop getting all of there christmas shopping, this provides nothing more than an annoyence to me, i mean you queue up to buy a few things that you may need to survive on, and you've got about 400 people in a queue all about to spend astronimical amounts of cash on food that will thrown away on boxing day, also you get shit loads of extra security in shops, not that i shoplift or anything like that, but when i see loads of uniformed police it makes me nervous, people get all paranoid when you bump into them in a crowed shop if you dress like i do, they instantly check there wallet and credit cards to make sure that you haven't nicked them. Good points to this all though is standing in the street watching people comming out with there christmas shopping, hoping that it was some really expensive cyrstal glasses and a bottle of champaign then watching them drop it, nothing's funnier than seeing several hundered pounds worth of goods that some yuppie has bought to impress some whore he's picked up at an office party, smashed all over the street, mind you watching people drop there shopping and it breaking is entertaining anyway regardless of who's it was or what it was for! There's another thing that i really hate about christmas, ok everytime that you turn on TV you'll see an NSPCC advert. I mean the music is always the same, usually sung by some school choir, it'll have video of some little brat sat in a room covered in dirt and generaly neglected. Now personally i hate these adverts, not because of what the charity stands for, but they way they say things like "give a child a christmas" and have some picture of a little kid that's had the shit beaten out of them, the point is they prey on the weak minded people who feel sorry for them all, those individuals dial up the freefone number and pledge there credit card details. I don't mean to sound as heartless as i am, but why the hell do the NSPCC choose christmas to show off there collection of video's that has pictures of little kids that have had the shit beaten out of them? if somebody is going to donate money to them then they will, they don't have to make an attempt to beg cash from people via TV adverts. Which brings me onto another point, people in the street with those collection boxes trying to scrounge money from everyone, do they only choose old people to do it? why is it mostly people in wheelchairs that seem to be collecting? it's fucking annoying especially when they decide to try and "attack" you, i thougth that there was a law agasint begging in this country? i mean no matter how much money you give, it will only go to the chief executives new car (and you think i'm joking about it!). "If the christmas spirit was a real live person, i'd club them to death with a plank of wood!"