_________ SWAT MAGAZINE ISSUE THIRTY SIX DECEMBER __________ / \___________________________________________/ \ / Fucking Christmas \ / by -=The Firestarter=- \ ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Well you should all know by now that i hate christmas! this year is gonna be NO exception to that, yeah i know, all i've really done the past few articles i've wrote is rant and rave on about something, but hey, somebody has to . Ok so i had my hopes up for this christmas to be atleast mildly all right, and it started out that way, actually it looked like i wasn't going to get depressed this year as i always do (well, ok you prolly all know i suffer from depression as it is, but at christmas time i ALWAYS get depressed, i dunno, apparently its quite common whether you suffer from depression or not, so yeah!), anyhow i'm getting off track, well things where looking up, i wasn't looking forward to christmas, but with a crate of Guinness in and my computer all up and running as well as having unmetered net access, hey christmas was gonna be ok, even tho i'm nearly 200 miles from the people i usually socialise with (read: girlfriend :)). But given that drawback of not seeing my g/f for two weeks, i could use the time productively to catch up on much of the late coursework i am supposed to do, heh, well ok i'll do coursework but i seem to have ranked the SWAT web site and magazine higher on my priority list , but once i'd done a good deal on the site and the mag, i could work on stuff for college. Then it all went downhill... I don't intend to go into the details of it very much, actually i'm not gonna go into any details at all! Well the result? christmas, whether i'm in Scotland or back in NE England is gonna be shit, hell, not even a crate of Guinness, unmetered net access or a decent fully working (for a change) computer is gonna brighten that up! new year, usually the one time i actually look forward to over christmas, is gonna be shit, why? it just is! So what could i do in order to make christmas more of a happy and joyous time for me? here's a nice list: (1) Purchase a semi-automatic shotgun and hunt down every person who wants to force "good will" onto people. Which, and lets be fair here, only makes them feel depressed, coz they think that the do-gooders see the happiness in christmas and actually enjoy it. When in reality they get depressed as well but decide to grin and bare it in the hope that they'll feel good in the end if they make other people think christmas is a good time, something they always fail at, yet obviously are believers in "well, there's always next year!" then continue the cycle of spreading yet more christmas depression amoung other people whom would probably just do there best to get on over christmas and quite possibly be all right. (2) Run those santa sleigh thingies off the road. You all know what i mean, some fat basdard in a red suit gets pulled along at about half a mile an hour down the streets of towns, villages and cities. Playing some fucked up christmas music so loud that it distorts only to make it worse. This is usually followed by him ringing his bell as children run down after him, he also makes a hell of a lot of noise with a brass handbell ;p. On some occations he will entice children out with sweets and other child-attracting goodies. There are also people in brightly coloured jackets handing out sweets and begging at peoples doors for money! Anyhow, what would be a better way that to run the fat cunt off the road and watch as his little sleigh burst into flames (or get smashed to oblivion as the land rover pulling it lands on top of him). Only to be witnessed by hundreds of children, standing helpless as "Santa" is either crushed to death or burned alive ? hahahaha guarenteed to make them see that christmas is shite and maybe they won't get all excited at this time of year and also (like the good will spreaders) induces stress and depression, only this time to there parents as all the toy adverts and other capitalist shite is on TV forcing there parents to part with there cash in the event that the child will think they are good parents, i mean lets face it, the little basdards are gonna resent there parents in about 5 or 6 years time anyway. (3) Ban all those emotional blackmail adverts on TV. These include ALL RSPCC ads, and, umm, thats about it since the Drink Drive advert this year seems to be quite good. Hmm, well i say all the RSPCC adverts, but any advert that invokes the idea of "give a child a christmas" whether its the prevention of the little shit getting beaten or anything like that. Don't get me wrong or anything like that, i mean i'm not saying that child abuse should be allowed to happen, i'm saying that why target gullable people at christmas? its a fact that most money thats gathered by charities is spent on usless shite like that MD's new porche. SO why target ppl at christmas? its simple, they want there christmas bonus! yup thats right, they'll emotionally blackmail people on TV and make them think that if they donate all there hard earned cash, they'll save the life of some little kid and the said child will have a good christmas. When in reality the charity will raise enough money to donate a few more quid to there causes and give all the head bods a nice fat christmas bonus, which can then be spent on there families. Lets face the facts, the only children who gets a good christmas out of it is the kids of the fat, wife beating yuppies that run the charities. (4) Make it ILLEGAL to promote christmas (without cause) until the 20th of December. Why? this would prevent local goverments using all of the cash saved from there budget (that was meant to go to local hospitals and centers for homeless people) on chrismas decorations, i mean, what kind of stupid motherfucker puts up christmas decorations and other numerous christmas things in November? thats all the people in local goverment seem to do (well any goverment really), spend money on shite that benefits nobody, i.e the Millenium Dome (ok not that its christmas related, but if a goverment can afford £££ x twenty on a huge structure that we all know is failing and was a total disaster, why can't they spend the money on improving health care? or reduced petrol prices? they say they need the money from tax on fuel, to do what? spend it on shite!). So if no christmas decorations where put up around November, then people can forget that christmas is comming up, then when it does it'll be over before they realise it. This ban would also apply to toy adverts, which always start in November. why? so that the parents of the spoilt fucked up brats can work one more month get get money to spend it on over priced vaccuum moulded dolls with cheap LEDs in the eyes. If Toy adverts wheren't on TV until the 20th of December then the little shits wouldn't get a chance to absorb all of the brain washing bullshit that is churned out, the adverts would then, as always cease on the 24th of December. So if the little gits wanted something special from "santa" (read: parents, because the child saw santa burning alive while a 4x4 landed on top of him), then the parents would be able to use what little money they have left after paying bills and all of the other "essential" things, thus preventing them from buying useless shit with no guarentee that will break 2 days after the child "plays" with it (read: smash it into another expensive vaccuum molded toy, this time with LEDs on for a nose). This would save the families from having there house repossed and all of there goods taken away by debt collectors come mid-march. (5) Put pine trees on the endangered species list. Why? that way people won't cut them down around the 10th of december, then come new year, throw them out in the street or some other place. People would have to purchase CHEAP plastic or tinsil trees around the 20th of december, and re-use them year after year. People who use real Pine trees should be monitored and made sure that either the tree is disposed of correctly, or that the tree wasn't cut down in the first place, but grew in a pot and was later returned to its rightfull home, in the forest, undamaged where it could live happily amoungst its fellow counterparts for another year. People who damage the tree and don't return it or just throw it out, should be BANNED from ever owning a christmass tree - real or plastic as well as being fined (money would then go DIRECTLY to a hostel for the homeless) So there!