The Project Gutenberg eBook of Betsy Baker! or, Too Attentive by Half, by John Maddison Morton This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Betsy Baker! or, Too Attentive by Half A Farce, in One Act Author: John Maddison Morton Release Date: March 11, 2021 [eBook #64794] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 Produced by: Paul Haxo from scanned images graciously made available by the University of Michigan, the Hathi Digital Library, the Internet Archive, and the University of Warwick. *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BETSY BAKER! OR, TOO ATTENTIVE BY HALF *** BETSY BAKER! OR, TOO ATTENTIVE BY HALF. A FARCE. IN ONE ACT. BY JOHN MADDISON MORTON, _Member of the Dramatic Authors’ Society,_ AUTHOR OF _Box and Cox, Two Bonnycastles, Who stole the Pocket Book, The Midnight Watch, Poor Pillicoddy, Going to the Derby, Old Honesty, Grimshaw, Done on both Sides, Young England, The King and I, My Wife’s Second Floor, The Double-Bedded Room, Wedding Breakfast, Milliners’ Holiday, The Irish Tiger, Who’s the Composer, Who do they take me for, The Attic Story, Brother Ben, Who’s my Husband, Thumping Legacy, &c., &c._ THOMAS HAILES LACY, WELLINGTON STREET, STRAND, LONDON. First performed at the Royal Princess’s Theatre, On Wednesday, November 13th, 1850. Characters. MR. MARMADUKE MOUSER ... Mr. KEELEY. MR. CRUMMY ... Mr. J. VINING. MRS. MOUSER ... Miss MURRAY. BETSY BAKER (_a Laundress_) ... Mrs. KEELEY. Costumes. MOUSER--Shawl pattern dressing gown, light brown vest, and fashionable dark grey check trousers. _Second Dress_--Exchanges gown for dark blue coat. CRUMMY--Fashionable black Oxonian coat, light drab vest, and light grey trousers. MRS. MOUSER--White muslin dress with amber satin ribbons over an amber satin dress, fashionable lace cap, &c.--_Second Dress_--Light blue silk mantilla over the above, white silk drawn bonnet. BETSY BAKER--Pink print dress with very short sleeves, laundress’s blue check apron, neat laced boots. Time in Representation--45 minutes. BETSY BAKER! SCENE.--_A handsomely furnished Apartment. Doors in flat, R. and L. C. Another door, L. 2 E. Piano-forte, table, chairs, &c._ _MRS. MOUSER seated at table, working. MOUSER, in a dressing gown, seated at piano-forte, R._ MOUS. (_accompanying himself, and singing_) “On the margin of fair Zurich’s waters, Ya--oo--oo!” That isn’t quite the thing. (_repeating_) Ya--oo--oo! That’s more like it! MRS. M. (_throws down her work_) This is really intolerable! I wish you wouldn’t attempt to sing that song, Mr. Mouser. You’ll never accomplish it. MOUS. I _will_ accomplish it, Mrs. Mouser. Indeed, I may say, I _have_ accomplished it--all, except the “Ya--oo--oo,” and I’m not going to be beat by a “Ya--oo--oo,” I can tell you. No, Mrs. Mouser, I’ll accomplish that “Ya--oo--oo,” if I die for it! (_very loud, and out of tune_) “Ya--oo--oo!” No--that’s worse than ever. MRS. M. It’s quite clear that you are determined to annoy me. (_pouting_) MOUS. (_comes down quickly; very tenderly_) Annoy you? _You_, my Anastasia? _You?_ Pooh! MRS. M. I’ve told you a hundred times, Marmaduke, that you haven’t a single note in your voice. MOUS. Then the more creditable in your Marmaduke to try and get a few. (_in a solemn tone_) Anastasia, we live in a wonderful age. Every thing we see above us, below us, and all round about us, proclaims the triumph of mind over matter. MRS. M. (_yawns slightly_) Well, I don’t deny it, do I? MOUS. You _can’t_ deny it. Look at the Railroads--oblige me by looking at the Railroads, with their gigantic viaducts, their stupendous aqueducts--look at the Electric Telegraph over the Straits of Menai--look at the Tubular Bridge under the Straits of Dover! And how--how is this done? By perseverance--by determination! And shall I flinch from a paltry obstacle? Never! So here goes again! (_very loud_) “Ya--oo--oo!” MRS. M. (_listening_) Hark! MOUS. What? MRS. M. I thought I heard my dear Cousin Crummy outside. But of course that would give _you_ no gratification. MOUS. You wrong me, Anastasia. As long as your Cousin Crummy is outside, and _keeps_ outside, I don’t care how often I hear him. MRS. M. (_severely_) Mr. Mouser! MOUS. Understand me, Anastasia, I mean no disrespect to your Cousin Crummy--on the contrary, Crummy’s a man I like--but Crummy’s like many other good things in this world, a little of him goes a long way. In short, he gives us too much of his society. MRS. M. Because he sees we are so much alone. MOUS. But we never are alone. Crummy won’t let us be alone. MRS. M. Well, isn’t it natural that he should drop in upon us? Isn’t he your partner in the business? Isn’t he one of the firm, Mouser and Crummy, Attorneys-at-law? MOUS. Yes, and why? Because you chose to fancy that my practice was more than I could get through, and that I required a partner. MRS. M. I confess I did, and you took him in. MOUS. I beg your pardon--he took _me_ in; and pretty considerably too, for he pockets half the profits, and leaves me all the work. MRS. M. How can you say so? Isn’t he gone out on business now--and all the way to Pentonville, too? MOUS. All the way from Islington to Pentonville! MRS. M. Then why didn’t you go yourself? (_rises_) MOUS. And leave _you_, my ’Stasia? (_tenderly_) You that I adore with a degree of intensity closely bordering on insanity! Besides, it isn’t because a Mrs. Jones from Northamptonshire--a Jones I don’t know--a Jones I never saw--a Jones I never even heard of, chooses to send for me, that therefore I must go to that Jones, Jones can’t expect it! MRS. M. (R.) But no doubt she wishes to consult you on business, and she might prove an excellent client. MOUS. (L.) I hate business! I hate clients! I hate everything in the world but you, my ’Stasia. What’s the world to me? Nothing! What are its “gay and festive scenes, its halls of dazzling light” to me? Nothing! Oh, ’Stasia! ’Stasia! MRS. M. What nonsense you talk. One would suppose we had only been married a week instead of a year. Has any one been here for me? MOUS. (_eagerly_) Any one! Not that I know of. Who do you expect? MRS. M. Why only the laundress with my veil. She promised faithfully to let me have it to-day. When you go out, perhaps you will just call, and say I’m waiting for it. It’s only just over the way. MOUS. Of course, if you insist upon it, I will. But perhaps you’re not aware that there are usually from thirty to forty females of various ages and dimensions engaged in that establishment _over the way_, and I don’t think it would be exactly the safest place in the world for an unprotected male. Besides, I might be seen entering the premises, and then what would people say? Am I not known in the neighbourhood as the best of husbands? When we go out don’t the people rush to their doors and windows to look at us? Oh, ’Stasy! ’Stasy! MRS. M. Ha, ha, ha! My dear Marmaduke, you are certainly getting a little cracked on the subject. MOUS. I know it. I’m so much cracked that I wonder I don’t fall to pieces. But I can’t help it. (_placing his arm round her waist_) CRUM. (_without, L. D. F._) Oh, Mouser’s at home, is he? Particularly engaged, d’ye say? Pooh, pooh! I know better. MOUS. (_aside_) I shall do Crummy a terrific injury some of these days. I’m sure I shall. _Enter CRUMMY, L. D. F._ CRUM. (_advancing to MOUSER, C., and giving him a slap on the back_) Ah, Mouser, my boy--sure to find you at home, eh? Ha, ha! Always together, eh? Billing and cooing, and all that sort of thing, eh? (_giving MOUSER a poke in the side_) By-the-bye, I’ve just come from Mrs. Major-General Jones. She would have nothing to say to me. She insists on seeing the head of the firm, so I told you’d be with her in a quarter of an hour. MOUS. (R.) Did you? Then you had better go back to Mrs. Jones, and tell her that I shan’t do anything of the sort. CRUM. (C.) But you _must_. Her’s is a very important case. Neither more nor less than a separation from her husband, Major-General Jones. MOUS. I’ll have nothing to do with it. Major-General Jones has never offended me--what right, then, have I to stand between Major-General Jones and Mrs. Major-General Jones, and say to Major-General Jones, “Major-General Jones, take a last look at Mrs. Major-General Jones, for you’ll never set your eyes on Mrs. Major-General Jones again?” It’s absurd! CRUM. But he ill-treats her--games, drinks, squanders her fortune--and, they do say, is not particular as to the number of his attachments. MOUS. (_with a look of horror_) ’Stasy, can such things be? (_drags off his dressing gown, which he throws into CRUMMY’S face, who places it on back of chair, R. of table._) My coat--my hat--my blue bag--quick! (_CRUMMY exits into office, R. D. F._) Oh, the monster! But I’ll hold him up to the execration of mankind. “Not particular as to the number of his attachments!” Gracious goodness! And to think that such a man is able to walk the streets without a policeman on each side of him. (_CRUMMY returns with hat, coat, and blue bag_) But, as I said before, I’ll expose him! (_in his excitement he puts on the dressing gown again--puts on CRUMMY’S hat, and takes CRUMMY’S umbrella from table_) I shan’t be long, my ’Stasia. I shall soon return on the wings of love---- (_going_) MRS. M. (_L., detaining him_) You’re surely not going out in your dressing gown? MOUS. Eh? yes--it is my dressing gown, I declare. On second thoughts, I really don’t see why I should interfere between these Joneses. (_places hat and umbrella on the table_) I’d rather by half stop with you, my ’Stasy. CRUM. Nonsense. You must go. Mrs. Major-General Jones expects you. (_taking hold of one of the sleeves of the dressing gown_) MRS. M. (_taking hold of the other_) Of course--Mrs. Jones expects you. CRUM. You wouldn’t keep a young and pretty woman waiting? (_handing him his coat_) MOUS. Oh, she’s young and pretty, is she? You hear, ’Stasia--she’s young and pretty. (_puts on coat_) You expose me to her fascinations, ’Stasia---- MRS. M. (_smiling_) I’m not at all afraid. MOUS. And why--why are you not afraid? Because, as you must have observed, you no sooner set your foot on the ground than I instantly commence adoring the bit of ground you set your foot on. MRS. M. (_with impatience_) Yes, yes--but make haste. And you can join me at my sister Charlotte’s. You know we drink tea there this evening---- MOUS. Yes, at eight o’clock. But it isn’t five yet. MRS. M. What of that? I promised her to come early--she’s teaching me a new pattern in knitting. MOUS. Yes, I heard her the other day. She was telling you to drop one, and then take up two. She didn’t say what, but I must say I was rather surprised at her requesting you to “turn over twice”--especially so soon after dinner. MRS. M. Ha, ha, ha! Good-bye--for I’m in a hurry to dress. MOUS. (_detaining her_) One fond embrace before we part! (_kisses her_) Keep up your spirits in my absence. (_going--stops_) Another fond embrace before we part! MRS. M. (_with evident impatience_) Psha! (_MOUSER going again_) You’ll not forget the message about the veil---- MOUS. Certainly not. (_going--stops_) Another fond embrace before---- CRUM. Go along! (_pushes him out, L. D. F._) Well, coz, you certainly may say you’ve got the most attentive husband in the world. MRS. M. Too attentive by half! CRUM. Eh? MRS. M. (_seriously_) Yes, cousin. Few women are proof against ridicule--and some husbands would do well to remember that there is a point when attention to a wife becomes a burden, and even affection a persecution. Yes, yes, cousin--he’s too attentive by half! _Exit, L. D._ CRUM. “Too attentive by half!” Then it is as I feared, and that simpleton, Mouser, doesn’t see that he is persecuting his wife with his affection. She evidently dreads a conjugal _tête-à-tête_, and no wonder. He never leaves her for a moment; but there he is, eternally and everlastingly at her side, “sighing like furnace,” and making himself ridiculous in her eyes. Mischief will certainly come of it. Some remedy must be devised. But what? If I could only contrive to excite Anastasia’s suspicions that her husband, like Major-General Jones, is not exactly satisfied with one attachment at a time----By this means her jealousy might be roused. But she wouldn’t believe _me_. No, Mouser himself must supply the materials. But how? (_BETSY BAKER knocks at L. D. F._) Come in! _BETSY appears at L. D. F., with a small parcel._ BET. Mrs. Mouser’s veil---- CRUM. Come in, my dear. BET. Pattens and all, sir? CRUM. No. You may leave them outside. BET. If it’s the same to you, sir, I’d rather not. CRUM. Then take them off, at all events. BET. Of course, sir. (_takes off her pattens, and comes forward, carrying them in her hand_) It isn’t likely I should go for to walk on a carpet, especially when the roads are so dreadful muddy. (_putting her pattens down on table with a slam_) CRUM. Zounds! Don’t put ’em on the table! (_takes pattens from her_) BET. I’m sure I don’t know what to do with ’em, so put ’em where you like. CRUM. Ha, ha! Heyday! I think I ought to know that face again. BET. If you ever saw it before, you certainly ought. CRUM. Have I not met you rather frequently of late, walking of an evening with our young clerk, Joseph Harris? BET. Yes, sir. We’ve rather delicate constitutions both of us, so we generally go out for a little fresh air and exercise every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, after work hours. We can’t get out any other evenings, sir. I suppose, you’re Mr. Crummy! You’re not Mr. Mouser. We all know _him!_ CRUM. We! Who? BET. Why, all us girls at the laundry over the way. Ah, there’s a pattern for a husband! ’Tisn’t every woman, sir, as gets a Mouser. No, sir--Mousers are scarce. CRUM. And yet you’d take your chance and marry Joseph Harris? BET. Just try me! And now I think of it, sir, he has told me more than once that you said if ever he found a nice, genteel, respectable young woman that he’d like to marry, you’d do something for him, sir. CRUM. Oh, then, you, I suppose, are the---- BET. The young woman? Yes, sir, Elizabeth Baker, the youngest of sixteen sisters, and all of ’em girls, sir--and hard-working girls, too, sir. It’s worth going over to our laundry to see us, sir. Fancy sixteen Bakers a washing, all of a row! CRUM. Well, I’ll bear my promise in mind. BET. Don’t you think you’d better get it off your mind at once, sir? There’s a nice little shop in the greengrocery line, to be let at the corner of the street--and, as Harris doesn’t seem very fond of the law, it would be just the very thing for us. CRUM. (_aside_) Egad, here’s an opportunity for driving a bargain. She’s a smart little body enough, and if she can only be induced to act as I direct--I’ll feel the ground at all events. (_aloud_) I suppose you’ve brought Mrs. Mouser’s veil? (_pointing to parcel_) BET. Yes, sir. CRUM. Mr. Mouser called and told _you_ to do so, eh? BET. He didn’t address himself to any of us in particular, sir. He just popped his head in at the door, and said, “Mrs. Mouser wants her veil directly,” and then took to his heels as if he was frightened to look at any woman but his wife. Lor! what a happy couple they must be! CRUM. (_with a deep sigh_) Happy! (_solemnly_) They are _not_ a happy couple! BET. Lawks! CRUM. Yet they might be--but, unfortunately, there is only one person in the world who could make them so. BET. And who is that? CRUM. You. BET. (_with a jump_) Me! I’m sure I’ll set about it directly, if you’ll only tell me how. CRUM. I will. (_looks mysteriously about him--BETSY watches him with astonishment--then in a loud whisper_) You must fall in love with Mr. Mouser. BET. Sir! CRUM. And Mr. Mouser must instantly fall in love with you. BET. (_staring at him--then with dignity_) Give me my pattens, sir, and let me go. Give me my pattens, I say. CRUM. ’Pshaw, child! You misunderstand me. Listen! Your sudden passion for Mouser---- BET. (_seizing hold of them, and trying to pull them out of CRUMMY’S hand_) CRUM. Oh! Very well! It’s a pity, too--for a married couple might do very well. BET. My pattens! CRUM. At that little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street. BET. My pat--(_letting go the pattens_) Well, they’re not worth making a piece of work about. CRUM. (_smiling_) Oh! Then as I was going to say--your passion for Mouser, will, of course, be merely assumed, but you must contrive to make him fall in love with you, in downright earnest. BET. I can’t do it, sir. I wouldn’t mind trying, if I wasn’t such a dragon of virtue--but I’m sorry to say I am. CRUM. Then somebody else will. BET. But if he should happen to captivate me? CRUM. That’s your affair. BET. But why--why am I to do all this? CRUM. That’s my affair. BET. (L.) But what will Mrs. Mouser say? CRUM. That’s her affair. BET. But she’ll go and imagine all sorts of things. CRUM. I hope she will. Come, is it a bargain? Will you have Joseph Harris, and the little greengrocer’s shop, or will you take your pattens and go? (_offering them_) BET. You can keep the pattens. CRUM. Spoken like a sensible girl. (_places patterns in passage, L.C._) I expect Mouser every minute. BET. Oh lud! (_about to run off_) CRUM. Don’t run away. (_stopping her_) BET. But, consider, sir, you can’t expect me to act a part at a moment’s notice. CRUM. Then take that veil to Mrs. Mouser, and in a few minutes you can come back, but be sure you _do_ come back! _Enter MOUSER, L. D. F._ BET. (_looking at him_) Well, I don’t think there’s much danger of my falling in love with _him_. (_MOUSER, who has put his hat, &c., on table, C., turns and sees BETSY, who runs off, L. D._) MOUS. (_L., severely to CRUMMY_) Mr. Crummy, what is that young person? CRUM. Ha, ha! Come, I like that! Go along! MOUS. But _I_ don’t like it, sir--neither shall I go along. I repeat, who is that young person? CRUM. Ha, ha! You do it very well, Mouser--but it won’t do--ugh! you Don Juan! (_poking him in the side_) MOUS. (_after a look of astonishment at CRUMMY, then aside_) Can he have been drinking thus early. CRUM. But I really think you might have waited till I was out of the room, before you---- MOUS. Before I what, sir? CRUM. You know--this sort of thing, eh? (_winking at MOUSER_) I suppose you thought I shouldn’t see you do it, eh? MOUS. Do it. Do what? CRUM. Wink at her. MOUS. (_with grandeur_) Mr. Crummy! CRUM. That’s right--brazen it out--but let me tell you, sir, I have had my eye upon you and that young woman for some time past. MOUS. Oh, damn it, I can’t stand this! you forget that you’re a junior partner, sir. CRUM. And you forget that I’m your wife’s cousin, sir--yes, sir! And I’ll not allow you to impose upon her with your pretended affection, you good-for-nothing little hypocrite you, while you carry on an intrigue under her very nose, sir. MOUS. Nose, sir. CRUM. No, sir! Neither will I suffer you to trifle with the feelings of one that I’m determined shall not fall into the trap you have laid, sir. You know who I mean--Baker, sir! (_going round him in front to L._) MOUS. _I_ trifle with the feelings of a Baker! I lay a trap for a Baker! You’re talking nonsense, Crummy! CRUM. Come, come. Now that you see I’ve found you out--tell me how you contrived to wheedle poor Betsy out of her affections? MOUS. Crummy, I’m not apt to make use of strong language--but--by the living jingo, I never wheedled a Betsy out of anything in all my life! CRUM. Well, I suppose I must believe you. But, intentionally or not, you certainly have made a most powerful impression on her youthful heart! She confessed as much to me just now. MOUS. (_gradually dropping his look of indignation, and with self-satisfaction_) Poor Betsy! I’m very sorry for her, I’m sure! I say, Crummy, she’s a niceish little sort of a girl enough. CRUM. Umph! so, so! (_in a contemptuous tone_) MOUS. So, so! No, let’s be just, Crummy--let’s be just. She has good eyes, Crummy, umph? CRUM. (L.) Squints a little. MOUS. Does she? I’ve never noticed her in the slightest degree whatever--but I’m damned if she squints! CRUM. At any rate her eyes seem good enough to have noticed _you._ But, knowing you to be free from blame in the matter, I reasoned with her, told her the folly of fixing her affections upon a married man, but all in vain--so _you’d_ better take her in hand. MOUS. Do you think so? CRUM. Certainly--you can talk to her seriously, but kindly. MOUS. Of course, I shouldn’t go and behave like a brute to her! I shouldn’t go to blow Betsy up. CRUM. Certainly not--for, after all, the poor girl is more to be pitied than blamed. MOUS. Crummy, that sentiment does you honour! It shows that the milk of human kindness flows in your bosom, Crummy. (_shaking CRUMMY’S hand_) BETSY. (_without, L. H._) Very well, ma’am, I’ll be sure to remember it. CRUM. That’s her voice! There’s something lively and cheerful about it, eh? MOUS. Yes, yes, it’s a pleasant voice, Crummy. (_arranging his cravat, &c._) CRUM. She _might_ have gone out by the back door, but, of course, she knew that _you_ were here. Ha, ha! (_nudging MOUSER, then retires up_) MOUS. Pooh! Go along! I believe you’re about right, though, ’pon my life I do! _Enter BETSY BAKER, L. D._ BET. (_seeing MOUSER_) There stands my wretched victim! He little knows what’s going to happen to him. CRUM. (_C. aside to BETSY_) Now then, attention! (_aloud_) Well, my dear, Mrs. Mouser was pleased with her veil I hope? BET. (_crossing C._) Oh, yes, sir; but in getting it up, somehow or other, I run the iron through it. I suppose I was thinking of something else. (_looking languishingly at MOUSER, then aside to CRUMMY_) How’s that? CRUM. (_aside to her_) Capital! MOUS. (_in a plaintive tone, and approaching BETSY_) Dear, dear, so you run the iron through it, did you? What a pity! BET. (_with pretended emotion_) Oh, sir! (_letting the veil fall--aside to CRUMMY_) How’s that? CRUM. (_aside to her_) Can’t be better! MOUS. (_aside_) It’s a clear case! Poor _creetur!_ (_picks up the veil, and offers it to BETSY_) BET. Oh, sir! (_taking the veil, and squeezing his hand_) I’ve done it! (_aside_) MOUS. (_aside_) She squeezed my hand! CRUM. (_to BETSY_) Perhaps you’ve seen Mr. Mouser before. (_aside to her_) Sigh! (_CRUMMY crosses behind to R. C._) BET. Heigho! (_aloud_) Oh yes, sir. I often see Mr. Mouser. I saw him go out yesterday at thirteen minutes past four, and come in again at twenty-seven minutes and a half past five. CRUM. (_aside to MOUSER_) You see, she counts the very minutes. (_aloud_) This is the young person who’s going to marry our clerk, Joseph Harris. MOUS. Soon? (R.) CRUM. That depends on her. Harris wishes the marriage to take place immediately, but there seems to be some _slight obstacle_ on her part--and, strange to say, she won’t tell _me_ what it is. MOUS. (_aside_) The thing’s evident. I’m the slight obstacle. CRUM. Perhaps _you’ll_ be more fortunate. (_turning L., as going up to L. D. F._) MOUS. (_aside to him_) Good gracious, Crummy, don’t go, and leave us alone. CRUM. (_aside to him_) Of course! You’ve done the mischief, and you must repair it. (_to BETSY_) Good bye, my good girl. BET. (_with pretended alarm_) You’re not a-going, sir? MOUS. Poor soul! She hopes he’s not a-going. (_aside_) CRUM. (_aside to BETSY_) Capitally. Capitally acted, so far. Only carry it on a little longer, and the shop is yours. (_aside to MOUSER_) Did you ever see such a pair of eyes? (_aside, as he goes out, towards L. D. F._) I’ll not lose sight of them. _Exit L. D. F._ (_MOUSER and BETSY stand at opposite sides of the Stage. Their eyes meet once or twice--she dropping them with emotion, and he drawing himself up and trying to appear indifferent. CRUMMY crosses unseen into Office, R._) BET. Poor man! He’ll never begin, so I suppose I must. (_aloud_) Sir! MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm. No damned nonsense! Do your duty, Mouser, and that duty commands you instantly to plunge a dagger into the heart that adores you. Well, Miss Baker? (_with great indifference--his back towards her_) BET. Those as likes me calls me Betsy. (_in a plaintive tone_) Call me Betsy, sir! MOUS. No, Betsy--I shall not call you Betsy--I never do call people by their Christian names, Betsy--never, Betsy! Never, Betsy! BET. No more do I--unless they’re very--_very_ pretty ones indeed, such as John, and Timothy, and Marma_dook_. (_in a tender tone, and approaching him_) MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm. (_turning to BETSY, and seeing her close to him, begins whistling again. BETSY retires a step or two, and approaches him again_) So, you think Marma_dook_ a pretty name, eh? BETSY. Yes, sir. I could go on making rhymes to it all day long, as I stand at the washing-tub: just like the man in the play. There’s not a name in any book, As can compare with Marma_dook_, No breeze as e’er the treeses shook, Sounds half as sweet as Marma_dook._ MOUS. (_aside_) It was wrong in me to stop. I feel, it was highly wrong in me to stop. (_aloud_) But remember, you are going to marry a Joseph. BET. (_with sudden violence, and close to MOUSER_) Never! MOUS. (_jumping away_) Don’t. But why not? BET. I _don’t_ want to marry--I never _will_ marry--I’ll live and die a Baker. (_with great energy_) MOUS. But your reason--your motive--for dying a Baker? BET. (_with a pathetic look at MOUSER_) Can _you_ ask? _You! You?_ Oh, ’tis too much! Oh! Oh! Oh! (_aside_) I wonder how I’m doing it. (_hiding her face in her hands and sobbing_) MOUS. Hush! (_tenderly_) Don’t cry--don’t make such a row, Miss Baker. BET. Call me Betsy! MOUS. Very well, Betsy. (_aside_) I’ve been _too_ firm, Mouser, you’ve been by many degrees too firm. (_aloud, and taking BETSY’S hand_) Now, don’t cry, there’s a dear. (_aside_) I called her a dear! _Here CRUMMY looks in from Office, and observes._ There--there--and, now laugh--laugh directly, you little rogue. (_aside_) I called her a little rogue. (_chucks BETSY under the chin_) BET. (_looking nervously towards the door_) Oh, I think I’d better go now, sir. MOUS. Don’t be in a hurry, Betsy. He, he, he my pretty little Betsy--for you _are_ pretty--_very_--_very_--he, he! (_laughs to himself, aside_) I’m going it! I feel I’m rapidly becoming a horrid, good-for-nothing little rascal! But I can’t help it. BET. (_trying to disengage her hand_) But, sir, what would Mrs. Mouser think? MOUS. (_recklessly_) Mrs. Mouser may think whatever she likes. There, what d’ye say to that? Ha, ha, ha! who’s afraid? (_suddenly and very loud_) Betsy, embrace your Marma_dook_. BET. (_frightened, takes up her pattens, and holds them out, threatening him_) MOUS. (_rushes at BETSY--she avoids him, leaving the veil in his hand._) CRUM. (_without_) Very well, I shall find him. BET. Oh, lud! (_runs out at door, L. D. F._) MOUS. Cousin Crummy! (_follows her to the door, then crams the veil into his pocket and begins to whistle very loud_) _Enter CRUMMY from Office._ CRUM. (R.) Oh, you’re alone, are you? MOUS. Yes, yes. Amusing myself as well as I can. La, la, la! (_singing_) CRUM. Oh, then, she’s been gone some time I suppose? MOUS. She? who? (_pretending to remember_) Oh, yes--little Betsy--of course--I remember. Ha, ha, ha! How you could have got such an absurd notion into your head, I can’t imagine. The girl never even thought of me! CRUM. (_aside_) The little hypocrite! (_aloud_) Then I must have made a mistake. MOUS. A mistake of the most gigantic dimensions, Crummy. CRUM. Well--by the bye, your wife wants her veil. Where is it? (_looking about_) Where’s the veil? MOUS. Veil? Oh, here it is, but you know it wants mending. CRUM. Oh, never mind a little tear like that. MOUS. (_tearing a large hole in the veil, aside_) A little tear! It’s tremendous! Look here. (_shewing it_) So, I’ll just leave it with the young woman when I go past--(_aside_)--with a note inside, requesting her to come here this evening, when my wife is out. I’m rushing headlong into all sorts of iniquities! But, as I said before, I can’t help it. (_gets hat, &c. from the table_) CRUM. You’re going out again? MOUS. (_imitating him_) Going out again, what a question! Doesn’t Mrs. Major-General Jones expect me? CRUM. (_smiling_) Again? MOUS. Yes, sir, again! This case of Jones _v._ Jones is a very complicated case, sir, and I must get a counsel’s opinion. CRUM. Then, of course, you can’t accompany Anastasia to her sister’s? MOUS. Anastasia! Oh, true, I forgot her. CRUM. (_aside_) Forgot his wife! Better and better. Ha, ha! (_aloud_) Oh, here she comes--you can accompany part of the way. MOUS. Eh? Yes, yes, of course! (_pulling out his watch, and looking at it--then with, pretended surprise_) Goodness gracious! I shall be too late for Mrs. Major-General Jones. (_he rushes out, L. D. F._) _Enter MRS. MOUSER in her bonnet and shawl, L._ MRS. M. (_calling after MOUSER, whom she sees running out_) Mr. Mouser! Marmaduke! Call him back, cousin! CRUM. It’s no use my calling him back, my dear--he saw you coming. MRS. M. And now leaves the house again, without saying a word. CRUM. And without his usual “fond embrace before we part!” MRS. M. Yes--but this is neglect--downright neglect--not that it matters to me. CRUM. So I see. (_smiling_) MRS. M. Mr. Mouser can go where he likes, and do what he likes--and so can I. We needn’t interfere with one another in the slightest degree. I shall go to my sister’s. If he chooses to come well and good. If not, I dare say I shall find some one _polite enough_ to see me home! and you may tell him so. (_going_) CRUM. Well, but Anastasia? MRS. M. (_in a loud voice_) You may tell him so. (_goes out L. D. F., slamming door after her_) CRUM. But Anastasia? Stop! Hear me! I’ll follow her--no, for if I do, I shall leave the coast clear for Mouser--confound it. I wish I hadn’t interfered at all. So I’ll find Betsy at once, and marry her off hand to Joseph Harris and the little greengrocer’s shop. (_taking his hat, &c._) _BETSY peeps in L. D. F._ BET. Sir! Sir! Are you alone, Mr. Crummy? CRUM. (R.) You’re the very young woman I wish to see. BET. So are you, sir. CRUM. I see--you’ve given him the slip, eh? BET. Slip, sir! Who, sir? CRUM. Mouser. Betsy, I’m afraid you’ve gone a little too far. BET. (_drawing herself up_) You’ll be good enough to remember, sir, that you are speaking to Betsy Baker? Didn’t you insist on my making Mr. Mouser fall in love with me in downright earnest? CRUM. Yes, yes. BET. And ain’t he in love with me in downright earnest? CRUM. Yes, confound him! BET. Very well, sir. Then I’ll trouble you for the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street. CRUM. Pooh! We’ll talk about that some other time. (_walking about_) BET. No, sir--now! now! (_following him_) I won’t go out of the house, without the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street. I’ve worked hard for it! CRUM. Pshaw! BET. (_stopping_) Very well--then I know what I’ll do--I’ll fall in love with Mouser in downright earnest, too! He’s a very nice little fellow, Mr. Mouser! Where is Mr. Mouser? (_in a loud voice and walking to and fro_) Where’s Mr. Mouser? CRUM. (_following her_) Hush! BET. (_louder still_) I want my Mouser! CRUM. Be quiet; you shall have the shop--but, on this condition--that you don’t see Mouser again. BET. Then you must tell him I can’t come. CRUM. Can’t come, where? BET. Here, in an hour’s time. That’s what I came to tell you about. He left Mrs. Mouser’s veil at our place just now, and, when I opened it there was a letter inside! CRUM. A letter? BET. Yes, sir. CRUM. From Mr. Mouser? BET. Yes, sir, appointing me to meet him here. CRUM. Why, then, the little profligate is really in love with her! And you read the letter? BET. No, sir, I defy anybody to say they ever saw me read anything. So I gave it to one of our girls. CRUM. The devil! BET. No, sir, Big Charlotte--a red-haired young woman, on a large scale. Perhaps you’ve noticed her, sir? CRUM. Pshaw! Go on. BET. Well, sir, she read the letter out loud, at the top of her voice, sir--and she’s a very powerful organ. Perhaps you’ve heard her organ, sir. CRUM. Confusion! Then the contents of the letter--that Mouser had asked you to meet him here---- BET. Was known all over the laundry in a twinkling. Fancy thirty-seven female voices, including Big Charlotte’s, crying out, “Lawks!” at the same moment? Of course, I was obliged to clear myself, which I did, by telling them the whole business! How it was to oblige you, that I was trying to make Mr. Mouser fall in love with me; because as how you promised to give the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street to the young woman that succeeded in captivating him. CRUM. Well? BET. Well, sir--the words were no sooner out of my mouth, than all the washing-tubs were deserted in a moment, and the whole of the thirty-seven girls--Big Charlotte included--seemed determined to set about captivating Mr. Mouser at once--and, as ill-luck would have it, he passed by the window at that moment, sir--and they all instantly rushed out after him, in a body. CRUM. Zounds! There’s a pretty piece of business! What’ll become of him? Why the devil did I interfere? (_snatches up his hat and runs off_) BET. But, sir! Mr. Crummy! Stop! Where’s my shop? I insist on my shop! (_Great noise of WOMEN’S voices suddenly heard--“Stop, sir!” “Mr. Mouser!” “Don’t run!” “It’s only me!” &c.; MOUSER rushes in at D. L. F., followed by WOMEN; after considerable trouble he turns them out again at door and slams it--noise of WOMEN’S voices repeated_) MOUS. (_shouting at the door_) Go along! Females begone! (_WOMEN heard again at R. D., MOUSER runs and closes it_) MOUS. (_advancing_) What the deuce is the matter with the women? What are the police about? I pay the police rate--cheerfully and willingly pay it--because I can’t help it. I provide a large body of men, not only with the necessaries of life, but with the luxury of an oilskin cape to protect them from the inclemency of the weather--and yet in open day--walking slowly along the public streets--I find myself suddenly overwhelmed by an avalanche of females! (_in a serious tone_) It’s a retribution. Mouser, listen to me--you have a wife, Mouser--and yet, you first run after another woman: and now you have fifty women running after you, Mouser. It won’t do, Mouser! (_sees BETSY_) Ah, Betsy!--so you’re come, eh? BET. No, sir, I ain’t. MOUS. Come, I like that. BET. Well, if I have you sent for me. MOUS. The fact is, I requested your presence here--to--to--reason with you--on the--impropriety of your conduct. BET. Sir. (_aside_) If I was only sure of the shop, I’d bust out a laughing--but, as I ain’t, I dare not. (_aloud_) I see how it is you want to break my heart. MOUS. Hush! (_trying to pacify her_) You’re wrong, Betsy, but you don’t know what it is to have a young and lovely wife, Betsy. BET. Yes I do. MOUS. No you don’t, and what’s more, you probably never will. And so, Betsy--that is--I mean--I say--I mean--(_aside_)--I can’t make up my mind as to what I _do_ mean. _WOMEN heard again without._ MOUS. (_aside_) The women again! I’ll go and shut the office door, for fear they should come in that way. (_goes off, R. D. F._) BET. (_suddenly leaving off sobbing_) I’m horribly afraid the little shop at the corner of the street, will slip through my fingers at last. (_double knock at street door_) Oh, gemini! Who can that be? What’ll become of me? _MRS. MOUSER enters, L. D. F., followed by BOY._ MRS. M. Is Mr. Mouser at home? BOY. No, ma’am. MRS. M. Bring candles. BOY. Yes, ma’am. (_BOY goes off and returns immediately with candles, which he places on table, and then retires at back. BETSY makes her escape, and runs out L. D. F._) MRS. M. Good gracious! What a commotion! There are at least thirty women round the door! I’m quite alarmed! I feel I was wrong to leave the house in a pet against Mr. Mouser. As for my Cousin Crummy’s insinuations, I treat them with the utmost contempt. So, instead of spending the evening with sister Charlotte, I determined to return home, and give my poor dear affectionate little husband an agreeable surprise. MOUS. (_from within_) Don’t be impatient! MRS. M. That’s his voice. Who can he be speaking to? MOUS. (_from within_) I’ll be with you directly, Betsy. MRS. M. Betsy! (_blows out candles, stage dark_) Oh! the monster! _Re-enter MOUSER from Office, R. D. F._ MOUS. How dark it is! Betsy! Where are you, Betsy? (_feeling his way_) MRS. M. (_in an assumed voice_) Here! MOUS. Where? MRS. M. Here, you wretch! (_gives him a box on the ears_) MOUS. Zounds! (_lays hold of MRS. MOUSER, in the struggle she takes off MOUSER’S wig, and runs into room, L., shutting door in MOUSER’S face_) MOUS. Holloa! She’s locked herself up, with my wig, in Mrs. Mouser’s room. Betsy! Elizabeth! Miss Baker! Don’t be absurd! Come out of that room--give me my wig! (_knocking and trying to open door_) Open the door! Open it this instant, or I’ll overwhelm you with my indignation through the keyhole. _Enter CRUMMY from Office, with a candle._ CRUM. I can’t find him any where. (_seeing him_) Holloa!--ha, ha, ha! MOUS. Don’t laugh, Crummy, look at me! She’s here--I mean, she’s there. CRUM. Who? MOUS. Betsy--in my wife’s room. CRUM. Ah! Any one with her? MOUS. Yes, my wig. This is your doing--this is your precious work. (_seizing CRUMMY and shaking him_) It was you--you who exposed me to the fascinations of this juvenile washerwoman. It’s through you that I have lost my peace of mind, and my wig. Where are they? Where’s my peace of mind? Where’s my wig? (_shaking CRUMMY again violently_) BETSY. (_who, during the latter part of MOUSER’S speech, has entered L. D. F. and come down, L._) Yes, and where’s my shop? MOUS. (C.) Exactly. Where’s my shop--I mean---- (_sees BETSY_) Holloa! BET. (_seeing MOUSER, and then bursting into a violent fit of laughter_) Ha, ha, ha! Oh, my! What a Guy! Ha, ha, ha! MOUS. What d’ye mean by a Guy? (_suddenly recollecting. Snatches CRUMMY’S hat out of his hand, and puts it on_) And how--how the deuce did you get out of that room? BET. I never was in it! MOUS. Ha, ha! That’s right, Miss Baker! Stick to it, Miss Baker! Perhaps you’ll go so far as to say that it wasn’t you who did me the honour just now of boxing my ears, and run away with my wig. BET. (L.) Certainly not. MOUS. Then who was it? I repeat, who was it? MRS. M. (_entering at door, L._) Your wife, sir! MOUS. Anastasia! Crummy, take me away, and put me somewhere. CRUM. (_R. C., aside to him_) Do as I do, and all will be right! (_aside to BETSY, and giving her a paper_) There’s the lease of the little shop, back me in all I say. MRS. M. Now, Mr. Mouser, what have you to say for yourself? CRUM. (_suddenly bursting into a fit of laughter_) Ha, ha, ha! (_aside to BETSY and MOUSER_) Go it. Ha, ha, ha! (_MRS. MOUSER enraged, walks up Stage, L._) MOUS. } } (_laughing immoderately_) Ha, ha, ha! BET. } CRUM. Capital. Ha, ha, ha! (_holding his sides_) MOUS. Delicious. Ha, ha! (_imitating him_) BET. Glorious. Ha, ha! (_aside_) I wonder what I’m laughing at. MRS. M. (L.) Mr. Mouser, I insist on your instantly explaining. CRUM. He can’t speak for laughing--can you, Mouser? (_nudging MOUSER, who is looking very serious_) MOUS. (R. H.) No. (_bursting out again_) Ha, ha, ha! MRS. M. (_to BETSY_) Young woman, speak this moment! (_angrily_) BET. (_R. C., alarmed_) Yes, ma’am. It’s not my fault, ma’am, indeed it isn’t--(_half crying_)--but you see, ma’am. (_CRUMMY nudges her--then suddenly_) Ha, ha, ha! CRUM. (_crosses L. C._) I must explain after all, I see--Anastasia Mouser, not an hour since--and in terms as forcible as they were pathetic--you brought a grave and heavy charge against your husband. MRS. M. (_aside to CRUMMY, and rapidly_) Hush! CRUM. Yes, Anastasia Mouser--and that charge was, that he was “_too attentive by half._” It almost broke his heart. Didn’t it, Mouser? MOUS. (_affecting pathos_) As near as a toucher! CRUM. But suddenly a smile lighted up his benevolent countenance--(_MOUSER smiles_)--and he said to me, “Crummy, I’ve an idea.” Didn’t you, Mouser? MOUS. Yes, I distinctly said, “Crummy, I’ve an idea.” BET. I’ll swear to it. I heard him. MRS. M. (_suddenly_) I see it all. MOUS. (_aside_) That’s lucky. I’m damned if I do. CRUM. And I determined to teach you this lesson--that the wife, who could complain of too much attention from a husband, could only be cured of her error by being led to suspect that that affection was bestowed on another. (_gets round behind to R._) MOUS. Exactly. MRS. M. Then you have succeeded--for though, Marmaduke, you may love me a thousand times better than ever--I’ll never complain again. (_embracing MOUSER_) MOUS. On these conditions, I forgive you. MRS. M. My dear Cousin Crummy, what do I not owe you? CRUM. First, pay your debts here. (_taking BETSY by the hand_) MRS. M. Oh, you were in the plot too? BET. Yes, ma’am. MRS. M. And who are you? BET. Betsy Baker as is--Mrs. Joseph Harris as will he. MRS. M. And how can I serve you? BET. By allowing me to serve you--the best of vegetables, and fresh oysters every day. MOUS. We’ll certainly deal with you. Eh, ’Stasy? MRS. M. But I’ll go to market. BET. (_to audience_) Do, ma’am--and I hope you will only be one out of many customers, at our new shop, where by a supply of the best articles we can get--joined with attention, civility, and moderate prices, we hope to secure the patronage of the Nobility, Gentry, and the Public in general. CRUMMY. BETSY. MOUSER. MRS. MOUSER. RIGHT. LEFT. Curtain. Printed by Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn. Transcriber’s Note This transcription is based on two sets of scans of the Lacy edition. The first is available through the Internet Archive from a copy held by the University of Warwick: archive.org/details/betsybakerortooa0000mort The second, available through the Hathi Digital Library, is from a copy of Volume 8 of Lacy’s Acting Edition of Plays from the University of Michigan: hdl.handle.net/2027/mdp.39015067453061 The text of _Betsy Barker!_ begins on page 302 of the scans. Other than differences in Lacy’s business address on the title page and information about the printer at the end, the text of the two scan sets appears to be the same. Because of issues related to publication, the condition of the scanned copies, and the scanning process itself, both sets were used for the transcription. The following changes were made to the text: Title page: Milliner’s Holiday--Changed to “Milliners’ Holiday”, the correct title of the play. --p. 3: I thought I heard my dear Cousin Crummy outside--Added a period to the end of the sentence. --p. 5: _who places it on back of chair, R. of table._--Added a closing parenthesis. --p. 7: ’Tisn’t every woman, sir, as get’s a Mouser.--Changed “get’s” to “gets”. --p. 9: but it won’t do do--ugh! you Don Juan!--Deleted the second “do”. --p. 9: CRUM. Wink at her,--Changed the comma at the end of the line to a period. --p. 10: CRUM. Umph! so, so: (_in a contemptuous tone_)--Changed colon to an exclamation mark. --p. 12: such as John, and Timothy, and Marma_dook_--Added a period after “Marma_dook_”. --p. 12: MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm--Added a period after “firm”. --p. 13: (_rushes at BETSY--she avoids him, leaving the veil in his hand._--Changed the period after “_hand_” to a closing parenthesis for consistency. --p. 15: (_great noise of WOMEN’S voices suddenly heard_--Changed “_great_” to “_Great_”. p. 18: Young woman, speak this moment (_angrily_)--Added an exclamation mark after “moment”. Some inconsistencies, such as the inconsistent hyphenation of the phrase “by the bye” and the different spellings of “pshaw”, have not been standardized. *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BETSY BAKER! OR, TOO ATTENTIVE BY HALF *** Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg-tm License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided that: * You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." * You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm works. * You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. * You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. The Foundation's business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org This website includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.